Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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