We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
