I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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