the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
