sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
