Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize