Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
