So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
