Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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