I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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