just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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