The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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