My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
