I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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