I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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