You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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