My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
