he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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