I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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