I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
