i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
