i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He better not be in your backpack
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
