6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
