we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
