i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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