Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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