I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
FUCK WHALES
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
