What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
