Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
