You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
