There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
