sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You made me cry and you don't even care
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
