So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
