Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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