She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
