How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
