she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
