My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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