yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
