mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
