How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
