just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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