I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
