the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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