There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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