Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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