It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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