had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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