well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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