the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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