His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
