If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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